Hard To Stay Read online

  I folded my hands behind my neck and looked up at the ceiling, allowing my mind to think of a reply. The room grew deathly quiet while I mulled over the words that would make sense.

  Nothing was registering in my head even though I had practiced this speech for hours. The pressure I felt was slowly turning into annoyance because I kept coming up empty. After a few more awkward seconds ticked by, I grew anxious knowing I had to get this out. My comment about Emily last night had put us between a rock and a hard place. She needed an explanation if I was ever going to make things right between us.

  “What I said to you last night was not only fucked up, but it came out all wrong. I don’t like talking about my ex, but I know you need to hear this.” I watched her eyes widen as I continued. “I’m going to give you the short version. Her name was Emily. We dated for two and half years. She broke up with me the day she found the engagement ring I was planning on giving her.”

  I tried to ignore the pinching in my chest as I popped the lid off my steaming hot cup of coffee. Lexi’s eyes followed my movements as I reached in the bag to pull out the cream and sugar packets. Once her coffee was fixed just the way she liked it, I slid it over to her.

  “It really messed with my head because the break-up came out of nowhere. One minute everything was perfect, then the next, boom.” I smacked my hands together to keep them from balling into fists. I still harbored a fair amount of anger towards my ex, but one thing was clear to me. Since I met Lexi, I focused on it less and less. Hope replaced some of the pain in my heart and it felt like the wound was finally starting to heal.

  She just sat there without saying a single word, allowing me to continue. “I thought she just got spooked and needed time to let it sink in.” A dry laugh escaped my throat as I thought back to how stupid I was for believing that. “But as it turned out I was wrong because she had met someone else less than a month later. Not that it made any difference, but I still held out hope. You want to know why? Because she told me that she still needed me in her life, even if we weren’t together anymore. So, I held onto that small thread of hope that she would find her way back to me. Because I knew, deep down inside that she still loved me. And then there was a moment when she and Chase broke up and who do you think she ran to for comfort?” I raised my arm pointing my finger to my chest.

  Lexi’s freshly painted pink fingernails flattened around the Styrofoam cup she was holding and squeezed it so tight I thought she might crush it. Her concern for me had my chest feeling a little lighter. “So, what happened? Did she realize she made a mistake?”

  I couldn’t help it, I laughed out loud while shaking my head. “NO! Are you kidding me? They got back together and a few short weeks later she cut me out of her life entirely and married him.”

  Lexi’s mouth hung open a few seconds before she snapped it shut. Her eyes turned a darker shade of blue, the color of new, unwashed denim. She looked pissed. “Why the hell would you still want her back after all that?”

  “See that’s what I need you to understand. What I had with her was everything to me at the time.” I stressed placing that word in past tense. “I miss the comfort of our relationship. I miss the life we had together and the friendship we shared. Most of all though, I miss the man I used to be when I was with her.”

  “I don’t see anything wrong with the man you are right now.”

  A smile tugged at the corners of my mouth. “No, you wouldn’t because I’m different with you.”

  She defensively crossed her arms across her chest, pushing her amazing breasts into full view. I shifted in my seat, hoping she wouldn’t notice the stolen glance. “What does that mean, Brad?” She asked, cautiously, narrowing her eyes.

  “It means Emily left me in a very dark place. I had pretty much given up any hope that I would ever feel that way again. I was so blind I couldn’t see straight. Then you came along, shining your light on me. Opening my eyes with the possibility of a future.”

  I hated to tell her what I had to say next, but she needed to hear the truth. She deserved that much. “Here’s the tricky part. I’m still not whole. I’m still damaged, and the last thing I want to do is hurt you while I’m trying to find my way back.”

  She leaned forward in her chair, resting her hand flat against her neck as she spoke. “I’m sorry about your ex. I get why you’re so cautious, and I understand you need time to get back to a place where you want to be. Believe me. I get that, but I want you to know something, too. Since I’ve met you, I’ve noticed my darkness fading a little more with each passing day. You’re not the only one who is still struggling. But thanks to you, it’s gotten a lot easier.”

  Even though our darkness came from different circumstances, we both seemed to be stuck in the same emotional purgatory. Neither one of us deserved the personal hell our exes had created for us.

  “I’m glad. If anyone deserves a life filled with brightness, it’s you.” I told her honestly.

  Her mouth turned up in a small smile that didn’t quite match the look in her eyes. “You deserve to be happy too, Brad… but I won’t stand in anyone else’s shadow.” This conversation was headed to a place that I wasn’t sure I was ready for.

  “Thank you for that… for being honest with me.” I cleared my throat, feeling it grow sticky inside. “So, do you forgive me for being an asshole?”

  “You are far from an asshole.” She laughed, which caused a slow grin to break across my face. I was relieved that the heaviness of our little heart-to-heart was slowly lifting. I could feel the air start to filter back into the room. She stood and walked back into the kitchen. I leaned forward, rose from my chair and followed her over to the sink, keeping a respectable distance.

  “I like you Lexi, A LOT. I want to continue to spend time with you. Not just because I want to protect you, but because I like the way you make me feel when we’re together. I just can’t offer you more than that right now. And honestly, I don’t think you’re ready for more than that right now, either.”

  Her back was facing me, leaving me with no choice but to silently watch her while my words started to slowly sink in. I released the breath I’d been holding in when she finally turned towards me. It bothered me that she still couldn’t look me in the eyes.

  “Thank you for being honest with me but I’m not exactly sure what I’m supposed to say.” She slid her eyes over to mine, and I suddenly wished she hadn’t. It was clear my words had wounded her. The hurt look on her face had me swallowing past the thickness in my throat. “I’m not going to pretend that I don’t feel something for you that runs deeper than just friendship. Just like I’m not going to lie and tell you that your inability to move on doesn’t disappoint me. In fact,” I watched as she leaned her hip against the counter and crossed her arms. “After everything you just shared with me, I’m beyond disappointed. I’m conflicted. Part of me understands where you’re coming from, and the other part is frustrated because your words are telling me one thing and your actions quite another. So, until we can both get our shit figured out, it’s probably best that we stay just friends. You’ve become someone very important to me and I would hate to lose what we do have.”

  “I can’t tell you how relieved I am to hear you say that. But for the record, I’m just as conflicted as you are. I think we just need to take things one step at a time.”

  “Right.” She nodded, “but we’ll be taking those steps as friends.”

  “Right.” For now, I silently told myself.

  Even though we just seemed to reach an understanding, I was still feeling a bit out of my element. This girl had me all twisted up inside. She was everything I could ever need and everything I wasn’t ready for. How was I supposed to navigate through this relationship without crossing a line somewhere? How was I supposed to hold back when all I wanted to do was move forward? The connection I had with her had the potential to be something big. Possibly bigger than what I’d had with Emily. I needed to find a way to balance keeping her close, without se
nding her mixed signals.

  The vibration of my phone on my leg pulled me from my thoughts. I reached in the pocket of my cargo shorts and pulled it out to see a text from Sawyer.

  Sawyer: Pick up a few cases of beer on your way. Yeah?

  I looked up from my phone to see Lexi watching me. I held my phone out so she could see who it was from. “It’s Sawyer. We’re headed out to the Jersey Shore for the rest of the weekend. Looks like I’ve been assigned the task of getting beer on my way to the Cape.”

  She smiled. The first genuine smile I’d seen since I’d gotten here. I didn’t realize how much I needed that until she just gave it to me. “The Cape?”

  “Yeah, Cape May on the southern tip of the Jersey Shore. His family has a vacation home there. He gets to use it one weekend a month.”

  “That’s awesome.” She said then walked over to the table and slowly pulled her breakfast out of the bag. I watched her pull the wrapper away that was clinging to the cheese on the sandwich when an idea popped into my head.

  “Hey, listen, I know this is short notice, but I was wondering if you would want to come with me?”

  “To Cape May?” She asked, surprised by the invitation. It had caught me off guard too. To be honest, I had mixed feelings about asking her to come along with me, especially after the talk we’d just had. However, the practicality of having her there with me eliminated a lot of worry that I’d be feeling from being so far away. I’d never forgive myself if something happened with her ex and I wasn’t here. The fact that we would be spending more time together was a just bonus.

  “Yeah, it’s a two and half hour car ride depending on traffic, so if you’re interested we’d have to leave soon.”

  I knew I was pushing my luck, but the more I thought it over, the more it made sense.

  Her eyes widened, then she looked down to her outfit. “Like… as in right now?”

  “I know it’s short notice, but I think you’ll have a good time. Faith will be there too and I know she’ll be happy to have another female around.” I cringed, thinking maybe I was trying to sell the idea a little too hard.

  She pulled on the top of her ponytail and shifted in her seat. Her eyes moved past me across the room while she thought it over. I took it as a good sign that she didn’t shoot me down right off the bat. When her eyes settled back on mine, she looked unsure. “It sounds like a couples thing.”

  “You can ask a friend to come along if that will make you more comfortable. Ask Abby if you want.” I answered too quickly, trying to close the deal.

  At this point, I just wanted her to be comfortable around me. After the shit I pulled last night and everything going on with Colton, my only priority was making sure she felt safe and secure.

  “No, that’s okay. Besides, Abby already has plans for the weekend.”

  “Well, you are welcome with or without a friend.” I said, trying to sound casual. I glanced at my phone and noticed it was already 9:30. “Not to rush you, but if you are coming do you think you could get ready in less than an hour?”

  I knew what I was asking probably sounded ridiculous, but time was not our friend at the moment. I was hoping to be at the beach by 1:00 pm, so I could enjoy at least a couple of hours in the sun. Just getting through the tunnel to the Garden State parkway on a Saturday was a going to be a real bitch.

  “I can be ready in 30 minutes.” She smiled and then picked up her breakfast sandwich, taking a big bite before she sashayed out of the room. Could she be more perfect?

  “Okay, great. I’ll be back to pick you up in an hour. Chop! Chop!” I called over my shoulder then walked out.

  Chapter Nine

  Lexi

  Traveling with a cop certainly had its perks. We managed to make it to the Cape in just under three hours. You could smell the ocean water as we turned into the driveway of a very impressive three-story Victorian home. The wraparound porch faced the Atlantic Ocean and the sandy beaches of Cape May. I smiled when I noticed the white wooden rocking chairs on the deck that were practically calling my name. Everything was perfect, from the clear blue skies to the luscious landscaping that lined the front of the house. I couldn’t think of a better way to unwind after a long stressful week.

  While stepping out of the car I couldn’t stop myself from checking Brad out. His hair was gleaming from the sun, and I felt my insides grow hot the second my feet hit the pavement. He was perfect eye candy. HIs dark blue t-shirt hugged his muscles so tight; I had to resist the urge to fan myself. The aviators he wore only made it worse, but I silently prayed that I could peel them off of him so I could see those twinkling brown eyes that I loved to stare into.

  It worried me that I might be in over my head but yet I’d never felt more comfortable in my own skin than when I was with him. Brad Morgan was everything I could ever want in a man, everything I could ever need. It was as though he was made and put onto this planet just for me. It should have made me anxious about how deep of a situation I was allowing myself to get into. Instead, I felt content and happier than I’d been in a long time. If ever.

  “Nice place.” I said, glancing around trying to ignore the flock of butterflies in my stomach.

  “It belongs to Sawyer’s family. He has three brothers and they all get one weekend a month during the summer.” Brad replied as we made our way around the back of the car. He picked up both our bags with his one hand and reached out with his free hand to take mine. I tried not to read too much into the small little gesture.

  “I can carry my bag.” I said, holding out my arm to take it from him.

  “So can I.” He ignored my arm and started walking towards the house. Don’t read too much into this, my brain chanted over and over.

  The front door swung open. Sawyer stood there wearing nothing other than a pair of board shorts. It took me a minute to admire him. He was toned and in perfect shape, but his body didn’t hold a candle to Brad’s.

  He greeted me with a smile. “Hey, glad you could make it. Faith will be psyched to see you.”

  I walked through the threshold, letting go of Brad’s hand so I could take a look around. “Thanks for the invite. What a nice place you have here.”

  The entire house was meticulously decorated in soft peaches and coral blues. It was an older home but the white wainscoting and grey walls gave it a modern feel. The bookcases and tables were filled with pictures of Sawyer and his brothers growing up over the years. I could almost hear the laughter of family gatherings flowing through the house.

  I grew up having nice things, but that didn’t equal happiness and warm memories. This home reminded me of everything I’d dreamt about but convinced myself I would never have.

  The sound of footsteps running down the stairs echoed in the family room. “You guys finally made it.” Faith shrieked, bouncing into the living room. Her hair was a tangled mess and her lips looked red and swollen. I glanced at Sawyer who had a sheepish look on his face, then turned to Brad who was doing a pathetic job of fighting back his smile.

  “Yeah, we did.” Brad grinned, “but I’m guessing you guys wouldn’t have minded if we were about 20 minutes later.”

  I elbowed him in the side. “Ouch… what the hell was that for?” He groaned looking at me.

  “Haven’t you ever heard of the word discreet?” I whispered, glaring at him.

  Faith laughed as she walked up to Sawyer and wrapped her arms around his waist. “That’s okay, Lexi, we’re all adults here. Everybody knows we like to have sex.”

  Sawyer laughed out loud, pulling her into him for a quick, wet kiss. I shook my head and glanced over to Brad who was trying to hide his amusement.

  “Okay, I’m glad we cleared that up.” Brad said. “Which guest room is Lexi in?” He asked, while picking up my bag as he made his way towards the stairs.

  “About that…” Sawyer called out. “You guys have to share a room. I completely forget but my mother had the hardwood floors refinished upstairs this week which means we can’t use the third
floor bedrooms until the finish is completely dry.”

  Brad stopped and looked at me, pausing for a moment. He turned to Sawyer and glanced around the room. “Okay, then the couch it is.”

  “Dude, I know it doesn’t look like it but that couch is as comfortable as a bed of nails.”

  “Not worried about it.” Brad informed him, holding his hand up to eliminate any further discussion. He turned to walk up the stairs leaving me with no choice but to follow him.

  Once I reached the doorway, he shuffled through his overnight bag lying on the floor. His head popped up, sensing me behind him. “Do you mind if I keep my stuff in here?”

  I glanced around the room noticing the queen-sized mattress. It certainly looked big enough for two people but the bigger question was would we be able to control ourselves sleeping in the same bed together?

  Before I gave my brain a chance to process our current situation and mull over our sleeping conditions, I found myself saying, “We can sleep together.”

  Brad’s whole body stilled, while holding his electric razor in his hands. I suddenly realized that my reply came out all wrong.

  “I mean we can share the bed.” I corrected myself, hating the way my brain always short-circuited when he was around.

  Brad shook his head, the muscle along his jaw tensed. It was clear he was uncomfortable with the idea. “I’m good with the couch.”

  I narrowed my eyes and dramatically parked my hand on my hip, no longer caring how awkward this conversation was. “Brad, this is your friend’s house. You are not sleeping on the couch.”

  He turned his head and studied the bed. “You sure you’re okay with this?”

  Not really, I wanted to say but instead I told him, “I’m positive.”

  He gave me an uneasy smile, turned around and started to unpack his bag. I closed my eyes and tried to ignore the butterflies flitting in my stomach every time his taut muscles rippled beneath the fabric of his shirt. Everything on the outside appeared hard and solid, almost unbreakable. But I knew that underneath the muscular exterior, was a man who had a soft heart, a broken soul and a fragile spirit. Even though he tried to hide it, I could still see right through him.